We are officially back in the grind of school, sports, play dates, homework, family dinners and trying to find the balance in it all.
I grew up in a small house with a Mom who never took anytime for herself. I watched her slip away into a deep darkness that was the culprit to her life ending way before it was meant to. I specifically recall watching her move through the motions of laundry, cooking and everyday mom things with a blank look on her face like she felt nothing at all. Run down, and exhausted with zero inspiration.
My personality has always been very different from my Mom’s. Although I have core beliefs that are the exact same and our laugh is pretty identical, my Mom was an A type personality… always wanting to be in control of everything around her. She existed in the mundane because the mundane was predictable. It was safe.
I’m haunted by the mundane. It’s the artist in me.
The mundane routine is an easy one to fall into, especially with marriage and kids.
Here’s the thing. Although I’m overall a very confident person in general, I too have some pretty deep and scary insecurities. Specifically in motherhood. I find myself constantly questioning almost every move I make. If I’m buying the right bread for them… if I’m exposing them to too much or too little. I yell way too much and my range of patience is always depicted on how much sleep I’ve had the night before or how clean my house is at the moment. Most of the time I am anything but strong and confident.
This is her ” I’m about to do something really naught” face…
I’m not the Mom who is inspired in the moment of a smile or a quick lovey exchange between my babies because honestly, I’m most likely missing those moments. Being present and soaking in life’s joys and blessings is difficult and unrealistic for me. I have fully accepted and own that I am not that Mom.
My camera is my comfort. Writing is my sanity and my safe place.
Confession; I have to make a conscience effort to keep those things at the forefront of my priorities because if they aren’t, I’m a smile-less zombie loading the dishwasher for the 4th time that day, driving to another session, editing another… And although photography and writing are two of my greatest, most cherished passions, most of the time they get lost in the simple survival of another day.
farmers market treasures. But when I’m sorting through that last import of the most recent pictures I captured while candles flicker and pandora is delivering it’s very best, even knowing that I forced myself to make those few clicks, I’m brought to this amazing place of just pure happy. I’m reminded that I’m in the most amazing place in the world. It’s my place!
It’s finding those things that keep you steady.
It’s date night.
It’s giggling with your girlfriends on a friday night over wine as the kids play in the backyard.
It’s waking up hungover from that same night… Popping three tylenol and laughing about it with those same girlfriends at your kids football game the next morning.
It’s a quick journal entry with the flower your baby picked for you that day, placed next to the sweet words that will one day bring you back to that very memory.
It’s taking simple treasures and smiling about it.
Even if it’s berries being washed over cool water on a warm day.
It’s forgiving yourself and finding those simple things that keep things simple.
” Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ” I will try again tomorrow.” – Mary Ann Radmacher
Stay steady my friends… for you!