The night before this day was ….
The entire week before was nerve wracking.
My belly hurt.
Every time the vision came to my mind, thinking how it’s going to change everything. How she will change… grow. My heart would leap and my breath would be lost. Tears would make my eyes fuzzy before I’d quickly snap out of it by a fight I was breaking apart or yelling from the kitchen, loud enough for them to hear in their bedrooms — ” Turn IT DOWN!”
Cole had it. Owned it. Went to bed like he was getting paid for it. 1st grade was only a big deal because now he’d be allowed to play on the “blacktop” and he would be apart of the ” big kids!” Because now he was — a big kid. He laid out his outfit and he was awake when I stumbled out of bed… at 6:45am. Dressed, his teeth brushed, backpack by the door with his snack and water bottle ready to go. He’s got it.
My girl, though — couldn’t sleep. She tossed and turned until 11pm rolled around and I realized if I wanted her to sleep at all, it would have to be with me. So I grabbed her hand, her little hand… interlaced her fingers into mine and walked her to my bed. We snuggled, tight. She whispered ” I’m nervous!” And I died.
If you know our Nannie-Bear… she is fierce. She’s strong, brave, and nothing gets to her.
And here she is, the night before kindergarten and she’s nervous.
I simply said it would be ok and to ” rest… Rest your mind. Rest your heart. Close your eyes and just …rest.”
I found myself tossing and turning. Listening to her sweet breaths and my mind flashing back to her being so small. Such a baby.
We spent the entire day before, together – just she and I. We got her hair done. Her nails done. Had coffee and talked about the changes that were on the horizon. The friends she’d make. The choices she’d be faced to make, all on her own.Isn’t that our role as MOM? To build them up and lead them down a path of being secure… being confident. To teach them how to make decisions on their own and decipher between right and wrong. To be kind and compassionate. All of those days and nights lead up to moments like this…
When they strap their backpacks on, tie their shoes, blow you a kiss… and boom. There they go.
For my Nannie,
I thought about you all day. And the night before… I couldn’t sleep either. My heart beat so hard that it made me lose my breath. I wanted to be there with you… all day. I was scared you’d be scared and I wouldn’t be there to comfort you. I wouldn’t be there to hold your hand that has always given you that unspoken security. I couldn’t help but go back to your baby days and trying to wrap my brain around how this time has flown by so quickly. Everyone has said that it would be fast. That the days would turn into years and before we knew it, these little moments would be memories. I wish that this advise would have reached my heart. But I have realized that nothing and no one would have been able to prepare my heart for this…
I can tell you were nervous. I was too. Every feeling you felt, mine was the same.
I am sad you won’t be here with me everyday. For the last 5 years, you’ve been my sidekick… Singing, fighting. Driving me absolutely crazy which would lead me to dream about this day and wishing it would come sooner.
Well — sooner has arrived and I wish now that I could turn back the clock. If time allowed, I’d buy a rewind and indulge in the moment when you were so small. The baby who depended on me. The baby who needed me. I’d read one more book. I’d kiss you 1,000 times more before laying you down. But this is apart of life and you growing. Growing into being your very own -you. Learning and sharing your own stories so that at dinner, you’re not making up tales to try to keep up with your brother. You will now have your very own, real life memories. You will make friends and learn to read. You’ll dance and create super cool things that we’ll proudly display around the house. And they will be yours! Made from the perfect, beautiful Savannah Marie.
And you will fly. Just as you did when you learned to walk. Just as you did when you learned your first words. Here is your next step. And you will be GREAT.
Love you…Our hearts are one… forever and for always, my girl!